I spend a lot of time and money at the Walmart. Partly because I am a frugal shopper, but mostly because it is right beside my house. I am a big fan of convenience. But like all good things in life, convenience and value come with a price. This fact appears to be overlooked by many of my fellow Walmart shoppers, along with overlooking the obvious. Hence the following…

The checkout counter(s): There is always a long line. There will always BE a long line. Accept this. You are at the Walmart. Do not piss off the cashiers by asking to have another line opened. This will only result in your bread being bagged underneath your motor oil. If you want a short line, go to a specialty store.

The self-checkout counter(s): The person who invented this is apparently the same person who invented elliptical machines and tamper-proof lids, put on this earth solely to make my life a living hell. If you are one of the ten people on the planet that can actually make these things work, God bless you and have at it.

Selection: Walmart does not carry wheat berries, unless by wheat berries you mean chicken wings. Nor does it carry North Face. Again, it is the Walmart. Again, if you need these items, go to a specialty store. However, if what you need is a coat for $10 that is guaranteed to last until your kid outgrows it in three days (unless you pull the long thread and the entire sleeve falls off prior to that) Walmart is your store.

Visiting: In the smaller town, you will run into someone you know while you are at the Walmart. This is inevitable, especially in the Pharmacy aisle. When this happens, please move your cart to the side while you visit. This keeps the other shoppers from jamming directly into you with their buggy full of motor oil and bread. I am not saying the jamming is intentional, but if you are in the middle of the aisle talking about your Mommy and Me class, chances are good that the jamming is intentional. In both the smaller and larger town, if you would like to visit with someone on your cell phone, please wait until you are no longer in the store. No one wants to hear about Uncle Charlie’s gall bladder removal while buying shampoo. (Note: there will be a separate blog about cell phone usage at a later date.)

Shopping carts: If you are capable of driving to Walmart, filling your cart with crap, and hauling said crap to your car in the cart, then you are capable of returning the cart to the cart bin when you are done. NO EXCUSES. I do not care if it is cold, raining, snowing, balls of fire falling from the sky.   You are not so important that there is any excuse you can create inside your oversized ego head that makes not returning your cart okay. (Please refer to earlier House Hunters International post for reference.)

And now a few words for Walmart:

Since I spend practically the gross national product of Canada at your store each week, could you invest some of that money on new wheels for the buggies? It would be nice to come to the store ONE TIME and get a buggy that doesn’t A) sound like a Wookie giving birth, and B) veer into the shelves and/or shoppers (unintentionally, of course, unless they are talking about Mommy and Me while hogging the aisles).

Also, would it kill ya to put the cart return bins a little closer to the store? Inside my demented mind, there would be a better shot at having the non-cart-returning dbags actually return the carts if they didn’t have to walk 500 miles to do it. Just a thought.

Wait a minute… Dbag will always dbag it. Nevermind…


Next week: Meet Ralphie Nugget



  1. oh you make me laugh everytime

    Marsha Blosser, MS Budget Analyst FCI Morgantown P. O. Box 1000 Morgantown, WV 26507-1000 304-284-4322


  2. Is there another store where I can buy both motor oil and bread? I need to know so I can prepare for the next big snowstorm here in the land of dbagery.


  3. I actually just returned from Walmart, and read this after returning. I went for an oil change, and there was 5 cars in front of me. No way am I waiting 2 hours for an oil change. I needed a few items, so I got a cart and went in. There was several checkout lanes open, all with a line a mile long. So I went to the quick check out lane, 10 items or less. I was next,,, go figure. I pushed the cart out to my car, not that I needed to, and left it there. Yeah, I’m a Dbag


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