Now that I’ve provided a warning and examples of how tattoos in uncoverable areas might not be the best idea, I’d like to spend some time focusing on tips ensuring tattoo success.
Tip 1: Big picture. When choosing a tattoo, pick only things that you know will be important to you for the rest of your long long long long life. For example: after going to the beach and seeing all the surfers with dolphin tattoos back in the day, I was certain a dolphin was the tattoo for me. Fast forward to the present day when I have decided that I am a land mammal who prefers to leave sea faring to pirates and native species. If I were to get a tattoo that is applicable to what I love most of all about the sea today, it would be narwhals because of the kick-ass Sprint commercial. See where I’m going with this? Big picture, people, big picture. Which leads us to Tip 2.
Tip 2: Quality. When choosing a tattoo artist, ensure the quality of the art and artist before the tattooing begins. Remember: in tattoos, as in life, you get what you pay for. If you are committing to something for the rest of your life, or at least until you parlay your rap career into film, make sure it is the best your money can buy. No one wants people asking Why is the dolphin crying? about her tattoo.
This is a good place to mention my total bad ass husband (PTST); he was the one who pointed out the dolphin was crying because he was sad he is a bad tattoo.
Tip 3 (This one may be start a bit of a firestorm): Luxury v necessity. Tattoos are a luxury, not a necessity. Read: all your bills should be paid and your children fed and college-fund begunned before money is spent on a tattoo. If you need new tires, buy tires instead of a tattoo. The tires will take you to your job where you will make your money so you can pay your bills and then get a tattoo. See how that works? Of course not because everyone stopped reading in disgust as soon as I said tattoos are a luxury. But it made me feel better to yell it. (Refer to Cell Phone blog for reference.)
Tip 4: Looking good. It doesn’t matter how awesome your new tattoo is if the rest of you is all banged up. Before tattooing, consider the following: get a haircut–and a root touchup if you are a lady–or at least wash your hair, take a bath, put on clothes that are not loungewear, and for the love of Pete go to the dentist. (I could go on for days here about my perceived, albeit false, relationship between tattoos and poor dental hygiene but cannot bear to make this a three-parter.) We all know at the end of the day the whole goal of body adornment is to get laid; I’m not that old. Okay, I am that old, but body adornment to get some has been going on for centuries, just like me. So before spending your money on tattooing, start with the basics.
Tip 5: Creativity. If you’re going to commit, go big. Although tattoos are relatively mainstream these days, it’s still super cool to have one, even if no one says cool anymore. So don’t shortchange yourself; make your self-expression notable. If possible, incorporate flames. Or perhaps a narwhal.
Tip 6: Reality. Tattoos aren’t magic; even the best tattoo is still only a tattoo. If you are a D-bag and think getting a tattoo will make you more appealing (read: get you laid), you are mistaken. A tattoo cannot wash the stench of douchbaggery off you; so continue to spend your money on microbrews and North Face jackets instead. On the flip side, if you are a professional athlete or musician, you will be rolling in poon or penis, or both, regardless. Your tattoos will be merely icing on the cake. It’s good to be you.
Once all these words have been digested and a decision has been made to get a kick-ass tattoo that will be forever meaningful on a discrete spot on your body, please make one final consideration. Someday, when you are old, it is very likely someone you have never met will be washing your ass. They will not care to see a The party starts here with an arrow pointing to your penis tattoo. Just sayin.
My words may be harsh, but if they save one person from a snack food mascot face tattoo or a breakfast food spelled out on some knuckles, it has been worth it.
Next week: It’s Spring!