Before I dive into the falsehoods, let me just say this… Niagara Falls is everything I dreamed it would be and more. If you enjoy a natural wonder, go. Go today. Then go again. I’m ready to leave right now to go back. I would love to go see it in the winter, but I’m afraid I will be snowed in and end up in Canada all winter long, forced to watch hockey instead of the NFL.


Now about the fibs…

It started with MapQuest (do not get me started on using Google Maps instead of MapQuest) stating it would take about six hours to get from WV to Niagara Falls. Technically, this might be true, if not for the wait to get through customs. It would also be necessary to get through Pittsburgh without becoming lost and ending up off 79N and on the Pennsylvania Turnpike for over an hour. (For those of you keeping score at home, that makes three trips to Pittsburgh and three times detoured into circling the city, unable to find a way to leave, for over an hour.)

Lucy and Craig encountered travel delays as well, but eventually we arrived at our destination, met up at the hotel, and began our weekend of water adventure. According to the pictures on the computer, it was going to be like the Grand Canyon or Yosemite: lots of nature and lots of nature-loving people strolling about enjoying God’s creation. Yeah, no. It is more like Las Vegas with water. There were lots of ladies in glittery makeup and sequined micromini dresses wandering around the sidewalks at 5pm, looking like they fell out of the discotheque, or perhaps a house of ill repute. The men were similarly dressed; not quite as glittery, but close. There was also an Elvis impersonator, just in case all the other tackiness wasn’t quite enough. Apparently, people come to Niagara Falls as much to gamble as to look at the waterfalls. Who knew?


The lovely lady at the Visitor Center conned us into buying a four-pack of activities. Here’s a tip: skip Niagara’s Fury unless 1. You have small children, or 2. You enjoy being sprayed in the face with a fire hose. She also advised the White Water Walk was only a short distance from the Hornblower and easily walkable. This is only true if you are an Australian Aborigine. Otherwise, take the bus.

One of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World! How cool is that? I was all puffed up thinking what a super awesome person I was to have made it to not one (Grand Canyon), but two of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World. Then we began to discuss and noodle all seven, and how odd it was that two of the seven are in North America. Know why that is? Niagara Falls not one of them. (Grand Canyon, Great Barrier Reef, Harbor of Rio de Janeiro, Mount Everest, Aurora, Parícutin volcano, Victoria Falls.

So…tired from our many activities and feeling like Mulder and Scully trying to cut through the bullshit because we know the truth is out there, we decided to relax and enjoy a nice cold beer. We decided to order Molson, since when in Rome. Yeah, it’s not called Molson in Canada; it’s called Canadian. There was a long-winded story by a waiter with a funny accent about why this is. All I heard was blah blah blah, more lies more lies more lies. (In a truly disturbing side note:  you can now buy Canadian beer at my Walmart.  What the hell is the world coming to?)



So I drank my Canadian, which tasted exactly like the Molson it was, and decided to believe nothing else about Niagara Falls ever again. Well, except for the Falls themselves, since they did not lie about their beauty…



  1. Been there, and loved it, did the under the falls thing, and the boat to the falls.
    Google maps, and MapQuest, really ? Rob baby, this is 2015 road travelers use GPS.


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