So, Donald Trump is our new president, and he’s going to make America great again. I know a lot of people are upset, but I believe it may be simply because they misunderstand how great (pun intended) the changes involved in this endeavor will be. For example: I, personally, am especially looking forward to Americans being able to drink and drive again. Let’s face it, getting pulled over by a cop and sent to jail is a serious buzz kill. Remember the days when the only thing between a .347-blowing you and your comfy bed at 3 a.m. was the ditch? We’re bringing those days back and making America great again! Side note: God speed and good luck.
In addition to getting blind drunk and behind the wheel (seatbelt-free, I might add), we will once again be able to smoke in public. So, while you’re getting loaded before driving off for home/ditch, you will be free to chain smoke your Camel Unfiltered wherever the urge may strike. Remember the days of going out to dinner and coming home smelling like the inside of the Marlboro Man’s chaps? Those days are coming back! Too busy at the office to sneak outside and across the parking lot for a quick puff? Light up right at your desk! America is gonna be great again!
Got kids? Imagine never again having to try to figure out how to get the car seat, 1. installed, and, 2. locked around little Junior’s Frito- and Mountain Dew-filled belly! That’s right: no more child-protection devices and no more dietary hassles. We are going back to raising kids on Twinkies and McDonald’s. You know, if they don’t get killed when you drunkenly veer into the ditch on the way to the drive-thru window.
Speaking of kids… Many people have wondered what words will adequately explain to the children how a more qualified woman lost the election to a screaming carrot demon.* I would like to recommend an easy solution. Use the same words you used before the election. Specifically, “The world is run by rich, white men.” Then you can try to stop the hysterical sobbing by adding, “Don’t worry; this isn’t the first bat-shit crazy president America has had (Richard Nixon, anyone?), and it won’t be the last.” Fortunately, since we are making America great again, you can throw in, ‘’Now quit whining, climb the seat over your brothers and sisters, and fetch your Mommy her Red Bull and vodka; this Beltway traffic is a beast today.’’
Finally, from a technological standpoint, making America great again means going back to a time without Facebook and Twitter. ‘Nuff said. Hopefully, this will free up some bandwidth for the Canada immigration website so it will stop crashing. Plus, I cannot wait for those great eight-tracks to come back! Side note: save your matchbooks when they are empty from lighting up your Marlboro Reds in the dentist’s waiting room; you will need them to get your Boz Skaggs eight-track tape to play.
And a quick note to those of you heading to Canada: I will miss you Snoop Dogg Lion King. Don’t forget to take your green hat.
So, let us celebrate the election. And the new president. And the making of America great again. Let’s all just sit back, relax, and enjoy the shit show of the next four years. Well, two years; then the shit show that is the campaign for the next election will begin.
Unless, of course, you are not a rich, white man; then you are doomed…
PS – Thank you to the veterans who serve this great land and the rights therof so I can say dumb stuff on the internet. Right or wrong, I love this country, and I am eternally grateful to those who protect her.
*Stolen from Samantha Bee