SUP3R BOWL XV

It wasn’t the same.  Once again, the Rona has done a ruination on a highly anticipated event for all mankind.  Yes, it was uplifting.  Yes, it was great that all the first line workers were honored.  Yes, the pre-game singing was awesome. (Don’t ask me about The Weekend’s half-time show; no idea what was going on with that.)  Yes, the new Progressive Un-Parent commercial was hilarious. (I laugh because it’s funny; I laugh because it’s true.)

What the what?

But where was the King of Beers?  Where was Matthew McConaughey driving around in a Lincoln no one will ever buy talking some nonsense no one will ever understand but doesn’t care because he’s pretty?  Instead, we got Flat Matthew.  Flat Matthew?  What the hell was that?  Might as well kept running that Weekend performance with his mummy crew.

Dogg and puppies!!!

Sidebar:  Fortunately, the Puppy Bowl did not disappoint.  Animal Planet seems to know what CBS does not:  can never go wrong with Snoop and Martha.  Especially when they are holding puppies and making cocktails.  Look at that furry little face! (I refer, of course, to Martha.) Come on, CBS! It’s like you’re not even trying.

But the game itself did not disappoint.  If you’re a Tom Brady fan.  (Which, if you are, you should stop reading and go have a nap on some train tracks.)  I was surprised to learn that Tampa Bay was actually billed as the underdog.  Seems like a whole bunch of betting people forgot the part where old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 

25? Really?

I mean, come on. Tom Brady is 43 years old and looks like a Greek god; Patrick Mahomes looks like he lost his retainer in the school cafeteria.  That should have told everyone right there that the youngster didn’t have a shot against TB12.  Apparently, that’s what we’re calling Brady now.  Ugh. Did no one learn from remember the time Prince changed his name to a symbol?  And Snoop became a lion?

TB12

Look, I’m not calling Brady a lizard person, but my husband is 43 years old; I know what a 43 year old human looks like.  And that ain’t it.  Even for a professional athlete. Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, anyone? So…. does he have that body and those Chiclet teeth and all that hair on his head instead of his back because he eats veggies and works out and manscapes?  Or is it because he eats babies and wears their faces as a mask?  Just wondering…

1979 Tampa Bay Stadium – I’m the Lurch

Actually, I was a bit torn between my desire to see Tom Brady have a hissy fit on the sidelines because he is losing (no need to question that; we all see it), and my love for the Tampa Bay football team.  I have been a Buccaneers fan since I was 14 years old. That’s when I visited Tampa Bay with my cousins, went to the stadium, got the t-shirt, and wore it proudly all through high school.  You know, until the freshman 15 made it too small. Forty years later, on team change and my dedicated life of Buccaneers fandom is ruined by that giant tool TB12. So bitter.

Fortunately, the highlight of the game featured neither team.  It was Tony Romo and his pee pee stain. Not that it was surprising. I said to my human husband the first time he and Jim Nantz were onscreen, “It’s the Sup3r Bowl. You could cut butter with the crease in Jim Nantz’s pants; looks like Romo picked off the floor and wore the same dirty khakis he wore to his third cousin’s rehearsal dinner last summer.”

Accident? Or just a way of life?

The best part is that you know the cameraman did it on purpose.  It would have been easy to make sure no one ever saw the pee pee stain on air.  But no, it’s everywhere.  Know why?  Payback.  Can’t bother to shave, looks like he came off a three day (read:  week) bender; sounds like he smokes pot 24/7, wrinkled—and later pee stained—pants.  Cameraperson who has to look/hear/smell that every game finally got a little joy. (I’m not saying it’s true; I’m just saying.) And the world rejoiced, regardless of team affiliation. God Bless America.

So, at the end of the game, Tom Brady won. Again.  Patrick Mahomes lost because he hadn’t fully recovered from the concussion he got after being zapped in the head with a Jewish space laser.  Or something like that.  A bunch of people lost a whole lotta monies.  My cousins and I need to plan a return to Tampa Bay. And Tony Romo showed us that even during a pandemic, every crappy thing has a silver lining.

FREE SPEECH

I’m a fan of free speech.  It lets me put stupid stuff like this moronic discourse on the internet for all the world to (not) read, and to look at Bernie mittens memes all day instead of cleaning the kitchen.

Feel The Bern

Recently, thanks to the riot/insurrection/protest/siege of the Capitol, I have seen way too much information on free speech and/or the lack thereof.  Since the debate has been going on for what seems like forever, I thought I might be able to help clear up some things for folks (read: Republicans) fearing the “muzzling of America,” (per that adorable little Josh Hawley, below) learn how to keep a tight hold on their freedom of speech and not end up in the same boat as the as the ex-President and his buddies.

Hawley – So pretty; so, so stupid

To be brief, there is one simple reason why certain groups and individuals have been “canceled” post Jan 6:  capitalism.  Remember capitalism?  One of the principal principles of the Republican platform?  Yeah, that’s the real reason Trump was uninvited to use the Twitter anymore.  And the Facebook. And the YouTube.  And no more proud boys on the AWS network.  And poor My Pillow guy can’t use the YouTube or the Twitter to sell the pillows no one will sell in stores anymore.  Fortunately, we still have the Fox News, where any lunatic can spout out any conspiracy theory and be applauded for it.*

In case a refresher is needed on how capitalism works:  Dorsey owns Twitter; Zuckerberg owns Facebook; Wojcicki owns YouTube; Bezos owns Amazon.  These folks do not own the companies for your or anyone else’s benefit; these companies were created to make money for the owners.  Why?  Because that’s how capitalism works.  So, when something (let’s just call it inciting – we’ll get to that next) happened that forced said owner to 1. Potentially lose customers (AKA money), and 2. Forced him (because of course they are all men) to actually do some work to address the issue at hand, the actions were swift and severe.  Why? Because time is money, and money is the goal of capitalism.  Get it?  If so, will you please explain it to muzzled Josh Hawley so he can get back to the hard work of pretended the election was rigged? 

Unpretty Ted Cruz

 Now for the free speech part:  Free speech doesn’t mean you can do and say whatever the hell you want when and wherever you want regardless of who you are.  Sorry to be the one to break that news.  (Click here  for more.)  For instance, Ted Cruz is allowed to compare the Paris Accord to Pittsburgh because that’s just his (idiotic) opinion, and hurts no one.  Well, except the people who are subjected to and are forced to defend him.  Someone (read:  Josh Hawley) should really tell Cruz he’s not nearly pretty enough to be that stupid.  And don’t even get me started on his wife.

Anyhoo…What Trump (and Giuliani and Mo Brooks and Don Jr and the My Pillow guy and rest of the nut bags) did is akin to yelling Fire in a crowded theater.  His words incited actions that caused harm (and, in this case, death) to others.  That’s not allowed.  Especially when you are the leader of the country.  And you’ve got a horde of rabid adherents waving confederate flags directly in front of you.  Waiting for you to tell them to go to the Capitol and Stop the Steal.  But, you know, whatever.

Needs No Caption

As for the cancel culture part: As my beloved Dr. Phil likes to say, “words are powerful.”  Also, “You choose the action, you choose the consequence.”  Which means if you are the President of the good ole US of A, you must be mindful (there’s a word seldom seen in the same sentence as Trump) that your words have bigger importance than the basic Karen standing in her yard yelling with the neighbors about how Comcast is the devil.  (Yes, that’s me. I’m basic Karen.)  

Giuliani realizing he doesn’t have $1.3 billion

So, keep that in mind before you want to spout off about something next time.  And maybe check your bank account.  If you get sued for $1.3 billion like Giuliani for making up stories about the election machines, you’re gonna need some cash. And now the lizard people are coming after the My Pillow guy.  Is no one safe???, you ask?  No comment.  (See how easy it is to just respond, No comment?)

The My Pillow guy

At the end of the day, it’s really pretty simple:  if you don’t want to be muzzled and become part of the cancel culture, don’t say stupid shit.  And maybe encourage you political representatives to do the same.

*I could make a joke about Marjorie Taylor Greene, but anyone depraved enough to say out loud that 9/11 Pentagon and school shooting didn’t happen, is unworthy of humor.